It is a repugnant thing to wallow in one’s own misfortune while the world is suffering its own howling, mortal injuries. As we live, and gasp, through the ancient Chinese curse, we’ve discovered that interesting times are not defined in a way we ever foresaw.
Yet, here I sit, wallowing. I am looking out my window at a sky of crystal clarity, its blueness a result of just the right scatter of light, unimpeded by any stray molecules of smoke. Somebody brings me breakfast on a tray. A kindly soul knocks on my door, simply to ask how I am. People fuss with my arm. I am touched.
But here I am scrolling endlessly through my phone. Social media, news feeds, endless dull dopamine hits, what if I miss something. Determined to show I’m in control I put down my phone with a flourish and immediately open my laptop. Dramatically bang on the little cross to close twitter. Reopen twitter.
My hands shake as I type this, but then again, they’ve been doing this for days.
I reel through twitter again. I funnel all the news into a compartment I am trying to keep walled off, like an encapsulated bacteria; a place for all the terrible stuff. And there is a lot. If I listed all the things producing a whirling rage inside me, this post would contain nothing but, and I wanted to, no needed to, write about something else altogether. The rage leaks beyond its membranes though, and I feel more impotent than normal, sitting in this room, by this window, typing these words.
The good news is I’m sitting. It’s the first time in a week I’ve been capable of it.
The bad news, or should I say odd news (as they say that every adversity is fuel for a writer), is that the bed is not all that comfortable, there is twenty-four hour noise in here, my little wooden bedside table does not include a Gideon Bible and a menu for spa packages, but instead has oxygen cylinders and suction and other resuscitation equipment. Funny I should mention bacteria before, because that’s what has me in here, for my first ever hospitalisation. And it’s a doozy alright.
I will start by saying I am almost definitely getting better. In The English Patient, Booker of the Booker of the Bookers, when Katharine asks Almásy whether they will be alright, he answers ‘absolutely,’ but she responds, ‘”yes” is a comfort, “absolutely” is not.’ I am at that tender point here, but I know I am well enough to feel the compulsive pull to write, so that probably downgrades things from ‘absolutely’ to the aforesaid ‘almost definitely.’ I should, of course, be working on my manuscript for ‘novel 2’, but my head is still not performing its executive tasks all that well – the oddest of all sensations for someone who relies Very Heavily on a brain that functions passably and correctly most of the time – but I’m afraid Typhoid does that. Delirium is common, something to do with the sepsis and cytokines and general raging unwellness, and I have experienced for the first time in my life the rather terrifying yet undeniably interesting phenomenon of febrile hallucinations. Disembodied heads. In conversation. About all sorts of things.
The medical details of Typhoid are tiresome, and tiring. Oh so wearying. And all the stuff in the textbook you can read about anywhere, but it is the things on the periphery that have me fascinated, and like all writers, who are, after all, just a bit slower than normal humans, I must write about them to make any sense of them.
There are big things, and there are little things. The biggest of all is perhaps the most universal, that of confronting your own mortality. It’s all a little raw to be exploring that in too much detail yet, so I’m going to let that digest for a bit (may as well, as nothing much else is). Having said that, suddenly feeling you may imminently die, even if not justified, is a very sound opportunity to tidy up your psychological and emotional drawers. And, weirdly enough, I find out I’m no different to anyone else on the planet. All I really care about is the fate and wellbeing and love of proximity of those that are deeply connected to me during this short wild ride of life, and quite frankly, I can’t talk about this without tearing up, so Let’s Move On.
So aside from setting a tentative foot in the valley, and withdrawing it just as quickly, what else is going on, within and without?
Firstly, Typhoid. I mean, really. I sense the incredulity every time somebody new hears the word. They look at me askance (and I suspect will do for evermore), as though I have somehow escaped from an Edwardian novel. I wish I was making it up. I really do. To be honest it is a label of humiliation. An embarrassment. I have no doubt there is speculation aplenty going on, but this will be one of my New Rules (actually, it’s an old on, which I’ve never bothered to keep). Do Not Mind A Jot What Other People Think And Say About You.
There are all the usual things I could write about, and please just take them as read: how incredible Australian healthcare can be, how diligently I’ve been looked after, how grateful I am to be cared for, but none of that makes for a very interesting post.
Instead, let me tell you about having two grams of ceftriaxone bd. I must not have a bacterium left alive in my body; perhaps just a few hardy souls, loyal to the resistance, white knuckled trying to hang on. I know we contain multitudes. Humans are nothing without bacteria; you may well know we have more bacterial cells than human. I wonder am I more human now? Will I lose weight from the great biomass extinction? Where have they all gone? Is this why I’ve felt a little cray-cray – were the last good ones guarding my blood-brain barrier like centurions?
I have been ‘troublesome’ to get a drip into. The only rash I have is one of circular white spots, stuck on to plug up the holes. I’d always boasted about having great veins, as if life was some kind of vessel contest. Turns out I am wrong. They look good, but are not very useful. Like an Instagram influencer, I guess. I make all sorts of excuses, ‘oh I must just have unusual valves,’ or some such tosh, and I reassure whoever has failed with slightly trembly hands that I would be the Empress of Hypocrisy if I were in anyway critical of missing a line or two. I grit my teeth and get another one.
I’ve had my first CT scan. All I need to say was it was ugly in there. The saying ‘beauty is but skin deep,’ is now so confusing to me I don’t know what to think.
I am experiencing every moment three times. The first in this reality; the happenings that must happen, the drugs, the blood pressures, the merry-go-round of meals which are only missing the merry. The second time is understanding as a doctor what we put our patients through; watching the way the imprecise nature of medicine and pathology leads to thousands of possible decisions, all of them with benefits and consequences. The third is as a writer. The noticings. The sensation of contrast dye filling your throat as it enters your vein. The inconceivable power of gratitude. The way bacteremia focuses behind your eyes, daring you to move them just a millimetre. How pain forces you to live in the moment, and you cannot recall a single second of how it felt to be pain-free. Lips and tongue so dry everything sticks together and makes your words come out sounding funny. Faking the great smile when people walk in the room because you don’t want them thinking you’re not deeply thankful for everything that they’ve done, and really you’re a bit of a wastrel – I mean Typhoid – Really! – how embarrassing – there are people with gold tier, well-deserved illnesses in here, not the illness of stupidity – dear God you’re a doctor, don’t you know better? The opioid anaesthesia of daytime TV which blares out from every room, in every cubicle, wherever one waits. I wonder how anyone can think with this stuff shrieking into their face. I haven’t turned mine on, although I have a lovely nurse who has come in and told me the story of every Christmas movie she has ever watched (which is the BEST way to experience a Christmas movie, I’ve discovered).
And boy, have I had time to think. There have been several Faustian bargains made. And a number of deeper level understandings about humanity. Hardly surprising, it’s all come down again to love, forgiveness, kindness, integrity. All the promises I am making to myself for when I am upright and allowed back out into civilised company. Keeping that rage at the horrific injustices of the world in that separate box, so I’m not consumed and I can examine it a little dispassionately, keeping it super-focused. We’re all in this crazy mess together, and although I may despise some of the decisions being made by those in power, and in my name, I will try to understand why, and forgive, before I take any action. Yada yada. Anyway. I’m going to get better. Absolutely. And strong. Very strong. I have a Christmas to attend, with those that I love.
God only knows if I’ll put this anywhere public. Why does a writer write anything? Yes, to make sense of things, but also to be read, so perhaps I will. Now I shall return to my automaton scrolling, watching endless GIFs of Sydney Harbour being swallowed by smoke like it’s being suctioned into the maw of some terrible Grey Whale. Read about our magnificent firefighters. Read about our ‘leader’ in full smirking denial mode for whatever reasons he has. Read about Leeds and Trump and Brexit and Medevac and make sure I stuff all that anger into that box, to keep it alive and kicking, but away from the rest of me, which will wallow a little more, and recover. Thank you for reading this, if you do, and excuse the moderately dysfunctional neuronal connections. You are wonderful. You.